“I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”

“You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.”

“Televisio is a vehicle that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.”

“I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.”

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to be well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”

“The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand. ”

“A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.”