“I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.”

“Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. ”

“A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.”

“The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand. ”

“Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. ”

“I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”

“I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.”