“Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. ”

“You only live once. But if you work it right, once is enough.”

“Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. ”

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to be well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”

“I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.”

“I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”

“California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.”