“I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.”

“I don't believe in the concept of hell, but if I did I would think of it as filled with people who were cruel to animals.”

“You always hear a headline like this, 'Man Killed By Shark', you never hear it from the other perspective, 'Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He's Shark Food'.”

“If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?”

“Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.”

“Wait a minute! This is grass! We've been eating grass!”

“It is a known fact that the sheep that give us steel wool have no natural enemies.”