“If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?”

“You always hear a headline like this, 'Man Killed By Shark', you never hear it from the other perspective, 'Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He's Shark Food'.”

“Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.”

“Wait a minute! This is grass! We've been eating grass!”

“It is a known fact that the sheep that give us steel wool have no natural enemies.”

“I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.”

“I don't believe in the concept of hell, but if I did I would think of it as filled with people who were cruel to animals.”