“What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.”

“I was so mad, I reached into the drawer for her fake sushi eraser and put it in my pocket. Serves her right for being such a big, fat, Eggo-scarfing liar.”

“I mean, really, can someone answer this for me: Why are all female superheroes packed into spandex and hot shorts? Okay, of course I know the answer. I know why they’re all scantily clad. It’s because men draw them and if there is one thing men love it’s boobs! And legs! And boobs! But really what they love is boobs.”

“You’re a teenage boy. I have boobs. What part of the equation is missing?”

“Yeah, I'm really worried. OK, so what's left on the big, big list of things I have to get done before I go insane or the world comes to end, whichever comes first?”

“Would I like this boy?"I bit my lip to keep from smiling. "Yeah. I think so. He's nice.""So I imagine you'll need a dress?""Yeah, probably.""And I'll need a gun.""Dad!”