“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.”

“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.”

“I find it easy to forgive the man who invented a devilish instrument like dynamite, but how can one ever forgive the diabolical mind that invented the Nobel Prize in Literature?”

“Gentle Jesus, meek and mild' is a snivelling modern invention, with no warrant in the gospels.”

“The English are not a very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity. ”

“The plain working truth is that it is not only good for people to be shocked occasionally, but absolutely necessary to the progress of society that they should be shocked pretty often.”

“Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.”