“Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.”

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”

“You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.”

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”

“I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.”

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”

“Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.”