“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.”

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”

“I suffer from Irish-Catholic guilt. Guilt is a good reality check. It keeps that ‘do what makes you happy’ thing in check.”

“Sincerity - if you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.”