“I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.”

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”

“Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.”

“I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.”

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”

“I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.”