“Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist. ”

“Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.”

“I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.”

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”

“You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.”

“You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.”

“Sincerity - if you can fake that, you've got it made.”