“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.”

“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

“You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.”

“I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.”

“Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.”

“I am little acquainted with politeness, but I know a good deal of benevolence of temper and goodness of heart.”