“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”

“Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.”

“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”

“Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist. ”

“I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.”

“If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. ”

“You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.”