“I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”

“Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they 'ought to be.' And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!”

“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.”

“People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”

“I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.”

“I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.”

“I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”