“Pardon me I've got nothing to say.”

“They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.”

“California is a small woman saying, 'Fuck me.' New York is a large man saying, 'Fuck you!”

“Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm goin' upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.”

“The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.”

“As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.”

“I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.”