“She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”

“Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.”

“A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.”

“I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.”

“He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”