“The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife--because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

“Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.”

“He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”

“People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.”

“I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.”

“Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!”