“You can't reduce passion and flair and eating ham to numbers, sir!”

“There was soot and orphans everywhere, and gaslit cobbled streets full of fog and sinister gentlemen out for a night of illicit murder. It was a strict and unforgiving society; looking at a piano, eating too much butter, dancing with elan--the sour-faced Queen Victoria forbade all these things. And, it was also raining in the London of themdays--dirty grey slabs of rain that left everywhere shining and slippery.”

“Don’t look so worried. I’ve sailed the seven seas, and I’ve never had an unsuccessful adventure yet!”“Really? You’ve sailed all seven seas?” asked Darwin admiringly.“Every last one!”“What are the seven seas? I’ve always wondered.”“Aaarrr. Well, let’s see…” said the Pirate Captain, scratching his craggy forehead. “There’s the North Sea. And that other one, the one near Mozambique. And…what’s that one in Hyde Park?”“The Serpentine?”“That’s the one. How many’s that then? Three. Um. There’s the sea with all the rocks in it…I think they call it Sea Number Four. Then that would leave…uh…Grumpy and Sneezy…”Darwin was starting to look a little less impressed.“Would you look at that big seagull!” said the Pirate Captain, quickly ducking into a beach hut.”

“I would like to tell you that I wrote my book to push back artistic boundaries. But I didn't. I wrote it to impress a girl.”

“You don't know what it is to live and laugh and love and run a man through! You've never tasted salty air on your tongue or waved heartily at a mermaid!”

“Don't listen to people telling you that getting up early is best. René Descartes is one of history's most important philosophers, but he rarely got out of bed before noon - and when he started getting up early for a new job as a private tutor, it caused him to catch pneumonia and die.”

“I really didn't write it with any intention of being published. If I'd known that was going to happen, I would have written something more sensible, because now I have to dress up as a pirate for book signings... I would have done a novel about a man who hangs around with a gaggle of models.”