“Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.”

“There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

“Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?Woman: Really?Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.”

“Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.”

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

“I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me.""What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.”