“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”

“Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)”

“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.”

“And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!”

“Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”