“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

“I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.”

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”

“The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.”

“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”

“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”

“Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.”