“Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!”

“The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.”

“We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.”

“Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.”

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

“You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.”

“I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.”