“I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me.""What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.”

“I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.”

“I'll teach you to kick me...'You don't need to teach me--I already know how!”

“Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?Woman: Really?Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.”

“I must admit, I was born at an early age. ”

“Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.”

“I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”