“I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.”

“I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.”

“You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.”

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”

“Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.”

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

“John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight...”