“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”

“And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!”

“Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.”

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

“I'll teach you to kick me...'You don't need to teach me--I already know how!”

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”