“I'll teach you to kick me...'You don't need to teach me--I already know how!”

“Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?Woman: Really?Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.”

“If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!”

“Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?""Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!”

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

“I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me.""What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.”