“I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

“I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”

“I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.”

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

“Do you mind if I don't smoke?”

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”