“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.”

“If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.”

“Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?Woman: Really?Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.”

“We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.”

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”

“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”

“I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.”