“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”

“Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?”

“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”

“Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.”

“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”