“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does”

“The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.”

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

“Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.”

“Do you mind if I don't smoke?”

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”