“Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

“Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.”

“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”