“Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

“Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.”

“I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”

“I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.”

“She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.”

“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”

“The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?”