“I never smile when I have a bat in my hands. That's when you've got to be serious. When I get out on the field, nothing's a joke to me. I don't feel like I should walk around with a smile on my face.”

“I don't feel right unless I have a sport to play .”

“It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.”

“Once upon a time, I wrote a book. People seemed to dig it, so I wrote another and one after that. That’s when Hollywood came knocking at my back door. As soon as I cashed that check, I wrapped my lips around the mighty erection that is the film industry and sucked hard, just like a good whore should. Unfortunately, I had to be taught not to orphan the balls.”

“I ain't gonna worry wrinkles in my brow, cuz nothin's never gonna be alright nohow. No matter how I struggle and strive, I'll never get out of this world alive.”

“Another interest I have pursued is the opposite sex - the females, the ladies - and not to brag but let's just say I've had a little more success than I've had with the food service industry. Good in the sack, or so I've been told. Seriously - I can get references - although maybe not my last girlfriend, who for reasons that that are still unclear stabbed me with a knife.”

“When I pass, speak freely of my shortcomings and my flaws. Learn from them, for I'll have no ego to injure.”