“The best way to look five years younger is to be born 5 years later”

“How to get in trouble #43: I was once caught staring at a woman's breasts, when she asked "why do you keep staring on my breasts?", I replied with "because your face is ugly”

“I have a friend who is a funny cook. Her food tastes funny and smells funny”

“I'm not mean, I just give people a good reason to hate me”

“you can tell if the person is beautiful inside after the autopsy”

“the main reason they don't use seeing eye cats is because you will end up with the cat, and the blind person, stuck up a tree”

“I would love to introduce you all to my girlfriend, she's.... Imaginary”