“Either I'm funny or the world's funny. I don't know which. The bottle and lid don't fit. It could be the bottle's fault or the lid's fault. In either case, there's no denying that the fit is bad.”

“I have a thing about losers. Flaws in oneself open you up to others with flaws. Not that Dostoyevsky's characters don't generate phatos, but they're flawed in ways that don't come across as faults. And while I'm on the subject, Tolstoy's characters' faults are so epic and out of scale, they're as static as backdrops.”

“My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year.”

“Trouble is we end up being worse at saying things well. It's got to be an inborn fault. Naturally, everyone's got faults. My biggest fault is that the faults i was born with grow bigger each year.”

“What the world needs is a set villain that people can point at and say, “It’s all your fault!”

“I don't know, I feel like this isn't the real world. The people, the scene: they just don't seem real to me.”

“Sheepish butlers' surgical bottle battles" a tongue twister p.364”