“You're lucky I was on that roof all day. That old man... he was trying to sell you a Sega product.”

“Businesses may come and go, but religion will last forever, for in no other endeavor does the consumer blame himself for product failure.”

“The two things I look for in a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he's a vampire. Pretty much all my crushes have been one or the other. One guy, actually, was both big and a vampire, but he turned out to be gay.”

“We began to butterfly kiss, which is when you touch your eyelashes to the other person's skin. I was going to respect Edwart's desire to wait, and he was going to respect my desire for winged creatures.”

“I'll have AB positive', I told Josh when he returned from the dance floor, 'What's it made of? Apples and Bananas?'-Belle Goose”

“I typed in a single word: Vampre. Google asked, 'Did you mean vampire?' I said, 'Yes.”

“About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him -- which I assumed was wildly out of his control -- that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me.”