“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.”

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

“My grandmother is over eightyand she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”

“Dancing on pointe...Why don't they just get taller girls?”

“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”