“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. ”

“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?”

“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”