“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. ”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”

“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

“I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00.”

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?”