“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. ”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”

“My grandmother is over eightyand she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”