“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?”

“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.”

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. ”

“My grandmother is over eightyand she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”

“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”