“My grandmother is over eightyand she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.”

“I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. ”

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”