“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”

“My grandmother is over eightyand she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”

“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”

“I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00.”

“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)”