“Eunuchs do not take the gout, nor become bald.”

“Wie bald 'nicht jetz' 'nie' wird. How soon 'not now' becomes 'never'.”

“If you're running around on bald tires, it doesn't take a special nail.”

“Failure gives the bald hairs; equips the novice with experience. The learner, sooner or later, becomes a teacher by it.”

“Look Mister, I don't care what you think, you are bald. If the census had a "bald" category, You'd be in it, no problem. If you go to heaven, you're going to bald heaven. If you go to hell, you're going to bald hell. Have you got that straight? Then stop looking away from the truth. Let's go now. I'm taking you straight to bald heaven, nonstop.”

“The gout is a complaint as arises from too much ease and comfort. If ever you're attacked with the gout, sir, jist you marry a widder as has got a good loud woice, with a decent notion of usin' it, and you'll never have the gout agin.... I can warrant it to drive away any illness as is caused by too much jollity.”