“Masturbation is an absolutely peerless cure for the hiccups”

“I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.”

“In the United States, the last recorded clitoridectomy for curing masturbation was performed in 1948--on a five year old girl.”

“Seizing an imaginary microphone, Dennis adopts a limp Estuary accent: 'Masturbating's changed a lot since I were a lad, Brian. In my day, we masturbated for the sheer love of it. Day and night we did it, all the kids on our estate, masturbating on the old waste ground, masturbating up against the wall of the house... I remember me mam coming out and shouting, "Stop that masturbating and come in for your tea! You'll never amount to anything if all you think about is masturbating!" Masturbating crazy we were. Your young masturbators today, though, it's all about the money, it's all about agents and endorsements. Sometimes I worry that the masturbating's in danger of being squeezed out altogether.”

“Really, awfully, terribly, I had a sudden attack of hiccups. I was staring at the Doctor, murderously angry with him. And hiccuping...'That's it. I'm going down there. I'm offering myself to them instead. If you're too much of a coward.'The Doctor winced at that last word.I hiccuped again.'Amy Pond,' he said. 'Try holding your breath.''I will not hold my breath! This is important! Rory is having his mind vacuumed and we're just standing here-''Hiccuping.''Yes.'We stood, glaring at each other. I hiccuped again.'Seriously,' said the Doctor, patiently. 'I know it's not the best time, but really, try holding your breath.'I stood there. Hiccuping and scowling at him.”

“People have died from hiccups, you know.”