“I believe if I had a house in hell and a house in St. George, I'd rent out the one in St. George and live in hell. I really would.”

“I don't know about this here eternal marriage business. But it seems to me that if you can't live with the sons-of-bitches on earth the Lord won't force you to remain with them in heaven.”

“I may not always walk the straight and narrow, but I cross it as often as I can.”

“Some people say a person receives a position in this church through revelation, and others say they get it through inspiration, but I say they get it through relation. If I hadn't been related to Heber C. Kimball I wouldn't have been a damn thing in this church.”

“Cut me off from the Church? They can't do that! I repent do damn fast!”

“Well, I've almost got the problem licked. I'm eighty now, and in a few more years, I think I'll have it completely under control. (referring to his love of coffee)”

“A sermon should be like a woman’s dress. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to keep your attention.”