“Multitask? What do I look like, a fucking secretary?” My temper flared before I could bite it back. Erica wasn’t the only one with a big mouth. I was constantly in danger of writing checks my ass couldn’t cash, the bearer of a lifelong disease of potty mouth that no amount of soap in this world could properly cleanse.”

“Whereas I could conform to an emo crowd easily enough, pretending to matriculate from upper crust asshats was too surreal. Goose insisted my stellar attitude and superb language skills had to be put on hold while we were inside the building, which meant to had to keep my big fat cow shut. It was the equivalent of asking a little girl not to scream the first time she was personally introduced to Hannah Montana.”

“You have a lot to answer for, love. I can't decide if I want to take you to my bed and bust that perfect ass of yours or rip off your clothing and take you here and now against the wall.”

“Well, well, well. Tickle my Elmo ass silly.”

“Thank you, Dr. Phil, for that fine psychological assessment," I snapped and motioned my chin to Disco. "Why don't you and Oprah here go take a long walk off a short plank and do the world a favor?”

“You know.” My voice was laced with sarcasm. “I love being reminded of just how f*cked up people find my company. One minute, I’m asked to be more loving and sweet. In fact, someone once told me it was downright adorable. But when I actually give the public what they want, they think I’m suffering from a chemical imbalance.”

“I arrived to work on the wrong foot. I was jumpy and agitated, constantly watching the doors. A loud fart would have sent me skyrocketing into orbit.”