“A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ”

“If you're going to be a narcissistic schmuck, kid, don't bother studying Faulkner. Go straight to Brett Easton Ellis. He's the role model you need.”

“What a schmuck!”

“Around fourth grade something similar happens with eyes. The baby eyes don't drop out, nor are there eye fairies around to leave quarters under pillows, but new eyes do arrive nevertheless. Big-kid eyes replace little-kid eyes. Little-kid eyes are scoopers. They just scoop up everything they see and swallow it whole, no questions asked. Big-kid eyes are picky. They notice things that little-kid eyes never bothered with: the way a teacher blows her nose, the way a kid dresses or pronounces a word.”

“Basically, if you're not a utopianist, you're a schmuck.”

“I suppose all little kids are like that. Great big lumps of meat surrounded by charm.”