“If it's far away, it's news, but if it's close at home, it's sociology.”

“Golf: A plague invented by the Calvinistic Scots as a punishment for man's sins.”

“The people of the United States will do anything for Latin America, except read about it.”

“This is the devilish thing about foreign affairs: they are foreign and will not always conform to our whim.”

“In 1487 alone, two hundred heretics had-in one of the greatest euphemisms in the history of language-"relaxed," that is, burned at the stake. Dogs of God, Columbus, the Inquisition, and the Defeat of the Moors”

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebearers, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”

“You know it's going to be one of those days when the cat uses the carpet as a bum wipe....”