“If you can pick the baby up without him squirting our of your hands like a bar of soap in the shower, he's not oiled up enough.”

“If Mother had to be told not to shove the entire brick of Ivory up Junior's hindquarters, constipation is the least of his problems.”

“It's always something when you let other people in your world.”

“Look. Folks. It's simple. If you have poor taste in decorating, don't go nuts in the entryway. Wait until your guests are inside before you spring something unusual on them.”

“What's the deal with putting animal feet on tubs? It's like insisting that all pianos should have tails, or dinner tables should have scrotal sacs. One of the things we like about tubs is their immobility, their general disinclination to bolt out of the room, scramble down the stairs, and make for the woods in a blind feral panic.”

“She was from the wrong side of the tracks no matter how you gerrymandered the town.”

“In the early '70s, the nation was afflicted with incurable pattern viruses - small microbes that reproduced and multiplied from a single swatch left on a sofa, and soon covered an entire room.”